Past Doubt + Fears


One time for November .....
I wake up in the middle of night more often from a dream while my household and the world is sound  asleep, with my eyes filled with tears, my heart pounding and I try to figure out what the dream means... I put my morning routine on hold for a bit as I feel myself out and get more comfortable with therapy weekly. When I lay back down my mind is on go, hard to go back to sleep but one thing I am consistently doing is creating from my thoughts and that dream, 
Dream and create .... 
Dream and create .... 
Dream and create.....
Until it’s time to wake my little ones up 
From Rabbit to MacKayla & Nana: Here, I want to go about my day being as strong as I can be and not showing the hurt and pain; I don’t want to be deemed as being weak. But with the trauma holds me until I’ve had enough and I’m ready to explode. I let out every emotion and it felt so good. I sleep a peaceful sleep that made me feel like I WAS COMING BACK TO ME AGAIN. After emptying myself; I somehow can express myself through my creativity - writing, through planning an event, through a podcast episode. I’ve accepted that moving forward might mean leaving someone behind. And moving forward may mean to accept that some things will not change, accept I will not hear an apology. Grab my hand …c’mon nana let’s go (I miss that physical part but your my angel fly while I walk)!  

I want to express my cup being full of gratefulness, gratitude, and being blessed that the time and space that we were allowed still plays a significant role in my success, determination and allow me to put my own formula together with the ingredients of my passions which turns them into my reality. 
I know the feeling of my heart beating rapidly, not being able to focus, my palms sweaty, but I tell myself I can calm down. I give myself time to walk away or open talks at therapy. And when it’s over I have beautiful memories that I can look back on, ideas and pieces that I can craft together. I use what you gave me as my weapons to ease my mind. But sometimes am I wrong because I just don’t know what to do or how to piece them together? 

Our Catchup Session M'Kayyy & Nana: Motherhood has been one journey that I remain humble and embrace. They have grown to everything I expected and more. I had my scares where I thought would they meet you guys and be great up there. Nu has your attitude Nana as if we needed her to add to mine. Carly has your facial structure M'Kayyy. Wheeeww chile! The store visits you used to take me on nana, I take them on. Spending time ; I make sure I fully invest, listen and process. I nudge and I push, building foundation as you built for me. I'm learning and applying your teachings. I'm a natural at being a creator, those notebooks and books come in handy. I'll be finish soon but I created my own crescent. I want nothing but to be healthy, I reached back into childhood, I found a dope therapist. The laundry is being folded, some items ironed and well I threw some out, and put the extra cycle on when washing some. The relationship with God. I am truly doing me. Scared in some areas but I'd rather make mistakes for them to be my blueprint. Thank you my loves, rest 

Mackayla Aaliyah & Nana you helped me face my fears and what should have been in place I put in place. I will break generational curses and I will no longer play as a sponge.
Dear Depression and Anxiety, I want to live.
I’m already a step ahead of the therapist with breaking down what seems to cloud my mind at times. I want to make sure you don’t make your way to the front of my mind. With living in my truth I also walk in my purpose. I treat myself to a large Starbucks Vanilla Bean Crème Frappuccino- treat of accomplishment. That rich sweet taste tastes so good knowing I checked off what I needed to do in my planner or I dropped another episode for my Rabbits Whole listeners, or I dived in more pages of the book that I’m focused on highlighting and taking away my key points. Or how about I even stayed up past the time I normally pass out. With my strength and the fight within me I am determined to live past the doubt and fears.
If your values are shallow, your victories will be empty – Steven Furtick

Dear Depression and Anxiety.
When I hit my peak I tell myself “I am not loved, I can’t even love myself hard enough”. You’ve always had a funny way of telling me about me. I’ve tried to ignore you but you somehow found a way to make your presence. Right here, no more asking “why me?” our relationship ends. My ability to heal is on ME. I’m going to be Rabbit where my eyes have a sparkle and glistens, my smile is as bright as I am, and my heart overflows with love, passion and confidence that I’m moving down my path of success.
By the end of each day I can say “you won’t rob me of my strength”
I wrote this letter to you because I want you to know that my focus on my dreams will overcome the doubt and fear. 
I wrote this letter to you, to hold myself accountable because I’m not alone in this journey. I am growing and understanding myself and see the clarity I once didn’t seek.

Rebekah BoykinsComment